From Brokenness to Belief: My Journey Home
My life began in a place of profound instability. My first memories are a jarring mix of simple wonder and stark violence. I can still see my mother placing me in the kitchen sink, the water a playful, rippling world I loved to splash in. But then, a very different memory: a man’s angry face, a stinging backhand, and the feeling of blood on my face as my mother washed it away, whispering, “dammit, dammit, dammit.” That fear became a part of me, so deeply ingrained that I would flinch when a teacher at school made a sudden move. I am forever grateful that they noticed, because it was their meeting with my mother that finally stopped the slaps. It was that experience that solidified a vow in my heart: my children would never know the pain of a parent’s hand. I am so glad they were spared that.
The Search for a Family
Despite my best intentions, I struggled to build the kind of family I never had. My marriage fell apart when my kids were young, leaving me financially and emotionally strained. I couldn’t give them the kind of home I wanted. They were bored when they came to visit, and I could feel them drifting away. I never forced them to come. The worst part was missing their games and dances because my ex-wife would give me the wrong dates. Each missed event was a fresh wave of grief, a reminder of what was lost.
I tried to find a new beginning with another partner, and our relationship lasted 20 years. But that too, fell apart. Near the end, I began to seriously seek God for the first time in my life. I had always called myself a Christian, but I had never lived like one. My new path was met with ridicule. My partner called me a “Jesus freak,” and that mockery, in a way, was the final push I needed to leave.
Finding a New Home
Alone again, I went online, desperate for a community. I found a chat room called “religion,” but my interpretation of scripture was not welcomed. I was quickly kicked out. Feeling lost, I stumbled into a different room, “Biblical Discussions,” where I met some truly kind people. One, who called herself “selfishgirl,” became a trusted friend. The name could not have been more wrong.
I finally found a place where I felt safe to ask questions and share my faith. But my peace was short-lived. The moderator from the first room found me and threatened to have me banned again. Instead of waiting for more rejection, I decided to take a leap of faith and create my own Bible chat room. It was in that small, online space, with the support of my friend, that I truly found God.
My journey was not over. A few weeks later, I was banned from the entire site. It felt like another wave of rejection, but I remembered “selfishgirl” had told me about a different site. I found it and messaged her. To my surprise, she got the message and came to the new site. We talked about all the rejections and bans we had faced and realized we weren’t just looking for a community—we needed to create one.
I asked her a question, fully expecting her to say no: “Would you like to build a site of our own, a place where we could express our beliefs without the worry of being banned or rejected?” To my surprise, she said yes. We took all our pain and rejection and built Sanctum Chamber, our new home. After a life of brokenness, I had finally found a new family and a true home in God.
This is a very short form of how I got to where I am, God puts us through trials to build us and prepare us. I don’t know what He is preparing me for, but I have full trust in Him.
God Bless, Gnosis